Hard to accept

I know that on March 15th of 2009 I became a widower in the blink of an eye. It was just another sleepy Sunday, nothing out of the ordinary, she was in the bedroom watching TV and I was laying on the couch in the living room doing the same; we rarely watched the same shows and gave each other space to watch what we wanted. In spite of what may already seem to be a distant relationship, ours was extremely close...anyway, back to that night. I had dozed off, which wasn't strange, and by 8:00 almost every night she would wake me up to take my medication. For some reason I woke at about 20 minutes until 8 and still nothing was wrong, or so I thought. After looking at the clock and seeing the time I figured it was too early to take pills so I rolled over knowing in 20 minutes she'd be at my side with a glass of milk and three pills in her hand. About an hour later I again woke and decided to go in to see her. When I walked in the room the TV was on, the vacuum was in the middle of the floor and she was sitting up asleep on the love seat. As I walked into the room I called out her name and walked right past her glancing at her as I turned the TV off. As I turned towards her I thought "her neck is going to be killing her"; her head was to the side. I again called out her name and when she didn't respond I touched her face now asking her name; she was cool to the touch. At that very moment I knew what had happened but I couldn't comprehend it and I basically fell apart. I ran to the phone and dialed 911 and the rest is a blur...until I was standing outside watching them put her body into the back of an ambulance, in a black bag.

Everyone dies in an instant. Everyone is here one second and gone the next; this was no different. The huge difference was that I was now a widower. The only person I ever loved in this life, my mate, at least half of me, was now gone. I of course went through all of the motions to take care of her, to notify all that needed notification, I tried to satisfy everyone's needs. But in the back of my head I regretted and still do, not getting up at 20 til 8 to see her. When I spoke to my sister in law, she told me that she had spoken to Mary at about 7:30. When I got the phone bill her last call ended at 7:38. Did something happen between 7:38 and 7:40 that woke me? Did I lose the chance to save her? That question will haunt me forever.

So here I sit, almost a year and a half later, and I still wonder about that night. I wonder if there might have been something more I could have done if I had been there with her. But I could wonder until the day that I myself die and nothing is going to change; she's gone...end of story. Did I hear something in my sleep that woke me up? Did she call out to me? Did her soul as it was leaving her body give me a nudge? The only time I may know the answer to these questions is when we again meet someday.

I can't tell you the number of times I've considered taking my life to be with her; with my whole heart. I sometimes, all too often feel, as though my life no longer has any meaning and that I'm just wasting precious time when I could be with her. Then there are other times when I know, also with my entire heart, that I will not leave this earth of my own accord; I'm actually afraid it would be useless.

The world keeps spinning despite the fact that my love is no longer at my side. I don't get it, I want to continue with my life, I want to continue to be, I even hope that someday I'll find another to love but it's just so difficult to see.

Hopefully, if there are others in my situation, and I know there are, we will be able to share our stories and support one another as we are the only ones who truly know how we feel. We have a horrible commonality and I believe we've all faced the same fears and frustrations as we try to move on with our lives.