Daily life

For those who have never gone through the separation of a spouse through death, the feelings that I have must be alien. If that's the case, you need to consider yourself extremely fortunate because I have never experienced a pain such as this. I've undergone many trials in my life including physical maladies that have caused me to hurt but the feeling that I currently have is unexplainable. I guess if you break it down there are a multitude of feelings all crashing together at the same time and not a single one of them is positive. I feel abandoned, lost, unsure of my decisions, worried what others will see or think, I still beat myself up for not getting off the damned couch when I should have. I don't have a life, I try to keep my body physically healthy but my mind is really a mess. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to go through the motions of a life because I know what tomorrow will bring and it's only heartache.

I try to tell myself that she would want me to go on, she would want me to pick myself up off of the floor and continue where I left off. I've gone back to work, did so after three weeks, and now I want to up and quit. Not because I have something amazing that I'd like to do but simply because things are not going well at work and I'm getting tired - no one at home to talk to, no one to hold me, no one to hold onto...this has to be the worst time in anyones life.

I've tried to accept the words of others that things will get better, easier, the pain will be less, and truthfully all of those things have happened to some degree...but there are still moments, almost daily, when I'm blindsided and every bit of it comes tumbling back. I guess with time it will be tolerable; like that pain we've learned to cope with, to live our every day lives despite of. That's all for today.