I'm sure that many if not all widows hear the phrase "don't make any major decisions for at least one year"; I know I did, over and over.
I tried my damnedest to follow those words of wisdom because I felt that they were probably correct. My mind wasn't in any place to make decisions of any real "matter" anyway so it was pretty easy.
The other night however, almost a year and a half later, I made a decision that I hope I wont regret in the future. Of course I had no one to bounce my ideas off of, like I used to, so it all rests on my shoulders no matter what the outcome; and that I will have to accept, right, wrong or indifferent.
What was my decision? After many weeks of feeling as though I didn't belong where I was working, after many weeks of thinking about the possible outcome of my decision, after several days of hemming and hawing in my brain, I just said "fuck it" and submitted a letter of resignation. It was an immediate resignation, no time for anyone to talk me out of it, no chance for someone to show me the error of my ways and tell me why I needed to stay; that may or may not have been a mistake, I'm not so sure.
I'll be OK financially for a while, that I know, I have many things that I have to get done that are making me feel as if I'm trapped, that I know, and chances are with time I'll be happy that I made this choice, that I hope. What scares me now is the way I currently feel. I thought that once I did this I would feel an immediate freedom, like something horrible had been removed from my life and I would be thrilled. The funny thing is, I'm now wondering about things that had only skimmed the surface of my mind and am realizing the brevity of what I've done. I'll be OK, I keep telling myself that but I can't wait until the time comes when I believe it and see it to be true.
