I wish I knew why

I lost my longtime spouse in March of 2009 and over the course of time that has passed I've gone from disbelief and severe sadness to fear and anxiety to craving the life I once had yet knowing it was impossible to finding a special someone and having a wonderful time to....yep....to a similar place as step one all over again. I can't say that I feel exactly the way I did almost 2 years ago (exactly 2 years ago this March 15th) but there's no doubt that I haven't completely healed so to speak. What exactly is completely healing after a traumatic loss though? I have no visible signs of any type of injury, no scabs or scars or even stitches but for some reason the old feeling of the pain I felt surfaces on occasion although it's a much more peaceful kind of pain if that makes any sense. I'm sure that part of the cause of this current pain is the knowledge of the close arrival of a 2 year marker or anniversary and will probably be with me for a long, long time to come if not forever. I don't feel the guilt I once did, not the extremity of it anyway, I don't wake up looking for her and even the little signs I once used to think were her attempt to reach me have dulled a bit. They're not gone but I now smile whenever I see something I can liken to a "sign" instead of trying to grasp onto it and not let it go. Having another woman in my life, another person to love and be loved by sure makes it easier; not consciously but I know it has to play a huge role. I guess what I'm trying to say is that time does in fact heal all wounds, even those of the heart and mind, and what seems like a long time is really nothing time wise if compared to the actual loss itself. We were together for 33 years and of those married for almost 29; how could I expect all those years of love to just disappear because the physical is no longer? All in all, this has been a journey of self discovery and I'm sure will continue to be so. Although the circumstances that brought this trip to being are horrendous, some parts of the actual trek have been quite interesting as well as very enjoyable and I'm truly grateful that I have come as far as I have and hope to continue in my growth.

HOLY SHIT!

I'm sure that many if not all widows hear the phrase "don't make any major decisions for at least one year"; I know I did, over and over.

I tried my damnedest to follow those words of wisdom because I felt that they were probably correct. My mind wasn't in any place to make decisions of any real "matter" anyway so it was pretty easy.

The other night however, almost a year and a half later, I made a decision that I hope I wont regret in the future. Of course I had no one to bounce my ideas off of, like I used to, so it all rests on my shoulders no matter what the outcome; and that I will have to accept, right, wrong or indifferent.

What was my decision? After many weeks of feeling as though I didn't belong where I was working, after many weeks of thinking about the possible outcome of my decision, after several days of hemming and hawing in my brain, I just said "fuck it" and submitted a letter of resignation. It was an immediate resignation, no time for anyone to talk me out of it, no chance for someone to show me the error of my ways and tell me why I needed to stay; that may or may not have been a mistake, I'm not so sure.

I'll be OK financially for a while, that I know, I have many things that I have to get done that are making me feel as if I'm trapped, that I know, and chances are with time I'll be happy that I made this choice, that I hope. What scares me now is the way I currently feel. I thought that once I did this I would feel an immediate freedom, like something horrible had been removed from my life and I would be thrilled. The funny thing is, I'm now wondering about things that had only skimmed the surface of my mind and am realizing the brevity of what I've done. I'll be OK, I keep telling myself that but I can't wait until the time comes when I believe it and see it to be true.

Daily life

For those who have never gone through the separation of a spouse through death, the feelings that I have must be alien. If that's the case, you need to consider yourself extremely fortunate because I have never experienced a pain such as this. I've undergone many trials in my life including physical maladies that have caused me to hurt but the feeling that I currently have is unexplainable. I guess if you break it down there are a multitude of feelings all crashing together at the same time and not a single one of them is positive. I feel abandoned, lost, unsure of my decisions, worried what others will see or think, I still beat myself up for not getting off the damned couch when I should have. I don't have a life, I try to keep my body physically healthy but my mind is really a mess. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to go through the motions of a life because I know what tomorrow will bring and it's only heartache.

I try to tell myself that she would want me to go on, she would want me to pick myself up off of the floor and continue where I left off. I've gone back to work, did so after three weeks, and now I want to up and quit. Not because I have something amazing that I'd like to do but simply because things are not going well at work and I'm getting tired - no one at home to talk to, no one to hold me, no one to hold onto...this has to be the worst time in anyones life.

I've tried to accept the words of others that things will get better, easier, the pain will be less, and truthfully all of those things have happened to some degree...but there are still moments, almost daily, when I'm blindsided and every bit of it comes tumbling back. I guess with time it will be tolerable; like that pain we've learned to cope with, to live our every day lives despite of. That's all for today.

Hard to accept

I know that on March 15th of 2009 I became a widower in the blink of an eye. It was just another sleepy Sunday, nothing out of the ordinary, she was in the bedroom watching TV and I was laying on the couch in the living room doing the same; we rarely watched the same shows and gave each other space to watch what we wanted. In spite of what may already seem to be a distant relationship, ours was extremely close...anyway, back to that night. I had dozed off, which wasn't strange, and by 8:00 almost every night she would wake me up to take my medication. For some reason I woke at about 20 minutes until 8 and still nothing was wrong, or so I thought. After looking at the clock and seeing the time I figured it was too early to take pills so I rolled over knowing in 20 minutes she'd be at my side with a glass of milk and three pills in her hand. About an hour later I again woke and decided to go in to see her. When I walked in the room the TV was on, the vacuum was in the middle of the floor and she was sitting up asleep on the love seat. As I walked into the room I called out her name and walked right past her glancing at her as I turned the TV off. As I turned towards her I thought "her neck is going to be killing her"; her head was to the side. I again called out her name and when she didn't respond I touched her face now asking her name; she was cool to the touch. At that very moment I knew what had happened but I couldn't comprehend it and I basically fell apart. I ran to the phone and dialed 911 and the rest is a blur...until I was standing outside watching them put her body into the back of an ambulance, in a black bag.

Everyone dies in an instant. Everyone is here one second and gone the next; this was no different. The huge difference was that I was now a widower. The only person I ever loved in this life, my mate, at least half of me, was now gone. I of course went through all of the motions to take care of her, to notify all that needed notification, I tried to satisfy everyone's needs. But in the back of my head I regretted and still do, not getting up at 20 til 8 to see her. When I spoke to my sister in law, she told me that she had spoken to Mary at about 7:30. When I got the phone bill her last call ended at 7:38. Did something happen between 7:38 and 7:40 that woke me? Did I lose the chance to save her? That question will haunt me forever.

So here I sit, almost a year and a half later, and I still wonder about that night. I wonder if there might have been something more I could have done if I had been there with her. But I could wonder until the day that I myself die and nothing is going to change; she's gone...end of story. Did I hear something in my sleep that woke me up? Did she call out to me? Did her soul as it was leaving her body give me a nudge? The only time I may know the answer to these questions is when we again meet someday.

I can't tell you the number of times I've considered taking my life to be with her; with my whole heart. I sometimes, all too often feel, as though my life no longer has any meaning and that I'm just wasting precious time when I could be with her. Then there are other times when I know, also with my entire heart, that I will not leave this earth of my own accord; I'm actually afraid it would be useless.

The world keeps spinning despite the fact that my love is no longer at my side. I don't get it, I want to continue with my life, I want to continue to be, I even hope that someday I'll find another to love but it's just so difficult to see.

Hopefully, if there are others in my situation, and I know there are, we will be able to share our stories and support one another as we are the only ones who truly know how we feel. We have a horrible commonality and I believe we've all faced the same fears and frustrations as we try to move on with our lives.