I wish I knew why

I lost my longtime spouse in March of 2009 and over the course of time that has passed I've gone from disbelief and severe sadness to fear and anxiety to craving the life I once had yet knowing it was impossible to finding a special someone and having a wonderful time to....yep....to a similar place as step one all over again. I can't say that I feel exactly the way I did almost 2 years ago (exactly 2 years ago this March 15th) but there's no doubt that I haven't completely healed so to speak. What exactly is completely healing after a traumatic loss though? I have no visible signs of any type of injury, no scabs or scars or even stitches but for some reason the old feeling of the pain I felt surfaces on occasion although it's a much more peaceful kind of pain if that makes any sense. I'm sure that part of the cause of this current pain is the knowledge of the close arrival of a 2 year marker or anniversary and will probably be with me for a long, long time to come if not forever. I don't feel the guilt I once did, not the extremity of it anyway, I don't wake up looking for her and even the little signs I once used to think were her attempt to reach me have dulled a bit. They're not gone but I now smile whenever I see something I can liken to a "sign" instead of trying to grasp onto it and not let it go. Having another woman in my life, another person to love and be loved by sure makes it easier; not consciously but I know it has to play a huge role. I guess what I'm trying to say is that time does in fact heal all wounds, even those of the heart and mind, and what seems like a long time is really nothing time wise if compared to the actual loss itself. We were together for 33 years and of those married for almost 29; how could I expect all those years of love to just disappear because the physical is no longer? All in all, this has been a journey of self discovery and I'm sure will continue to be so. Although the circumstances that brought this trip to being are horrendous, some parts of the actual trek have been quite interesting as well as very enjoyable and I'm truly grateful that I have come as far as I have and hope to continue in my growth.